In my 6 years of counseling and coaching single men and women, some of the common phrases I hear during and after a heartbreak include: ‘But I love him very much’, ‘Love is wicked’, ‘What else can I do to make him accept me?’
In as much as you feel so mushy about most new guys you meet because they look attractive and make you feel happy, there are so many other principles to look out for before choosing who you date or marry.
In this age, compatibility has been reduced to sexual and physical alignment but these things don’t make the relationship work if you are just dating, there’s more to look out for.
Let us briefly look into the 5 factors to consider:
1. ALIGNMENT OF VALUES:
Values are principles that determine your choices, lifestyle and decisions in life. They consciously influence how you think, judge and your actions. Examples of values include; spirituality, family, influence, beauty, honesty, integrity and money.
During your friendship stage, it is better to observe and be sure that you can both walk together instead of just focusing on the hormones you release when you stay connected. For instance, if money is a big deal for you, and you love hardworking men, then start thinking about what he thinks about money. Does he think that the government should be responsible for his survival or he believes in being diligent enough to find his own wealth vault?
If spirituality means considering God before you make any decision, and fellowshipping with him regularly, does he think the same or is he casual about God? Don’t overlook these things because they can be a source of discouragement and pain in marriage. To successfully observe his values, you need to start by knowing yours. What drives you? What makes you feel fulfilled? What do you enjoy doing?
Can you categorize them into a set of values? After categorizing them, meditate on how they influence your life, this is what will drive your observation when you meet new people.
2. BELIEF SYSTEM:
Belief system is also major because it determines your conditioning from childhood, environment and experiences. Your belief determines your opinion on a matter.
In relationships, misunderstandings will always occur, and being able to listen to understand why you both think differently on a topic will give you an edge.
Some people have third world mindsets and others think like the first world. Start by knowing how you think, and this will help you determine the kind of mind you can relate with. For instance, if you are planning to date a man who thinks that women should not work, but remain housewives, no matter the degree of education and exposure, don’t assume that love can quench those mindset issues, listen carefully and get to know people well before choosing to date them.
3. EXPECTATIONS:
This is one of the reasons why people fight in relationships: expecting a man to shower love on you like you see in movies and novels, or expecting a man to read your mind to know what you want. If there is anything you expect from your partner, learn to ask so you can receive it.
Even if it takes time to see the response, keep influencing him positively to get it. If there is anything you like or want him to do, communicate this in love and be the first model too. Don’t fight to get what you want or become overly critical over things.
4. SPEAKING YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE:
Love languages fuel your relationships. Hence, you need to know what makes you feel loved and communicate this to your partner in clear and precise ways. If you love gifts, explain what it means to you without dampening his spirit.
If you love attention, pave way to enjoy the quality time you share together on video calls or physically. Don’t forget that you have the tendency to speak your own love language. Hence, have a discussion to figure out what he likes and speak it creatively.
5. COMMUNICATION
Communication makes the world go round, and keeps you connected to your loved ones. You have to learn how to communicate when you are bored, angry, tired, expectant or feeling lovey-dovey. Silent treatment is an immature way of dealing with issues, find a good time to share your feelings about issues and deal with it quickly.
If you can work towards communicating well and speaking your love languages, then you have anchored a good factor for commitment. Knowing your values and belief system will help you choose well. Understanding and communicating your expectations will also reduce the tension. Do you see how the principles work together well now?
Tell me what principle caught your attention the most.
Written by Coach Nike
